Recap from last blog

For the last few months I began losing weight, and I began to lose my hair. After having so many symptoms, I finally went to the doctor and that’s when I got the news that I had developed…..To be continued.

Today:I ran my fingers through my hair and it shed and shed and eventually started falling out in clumps. I automatically thought, I knew i shouldn’t have colored my hair. First time coloring my hair in almost 5 years and boom instantly breaking and drying out. I looked like a scarecrow. But there were braids and wigs to save the day.

I began pressing my foundation into my skin and it just sat there on top, me with a cake face. If you know me you know I don't play bout my beats. I blended and blended, pressed until my hands got tired. That’ll do for now, nobody will notice but it may be time to go see Dr. Ringo (dermatologist)

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like I had just run a marathon. I was covered in a cold sweat and was so thirsty I could drink a tub full of water. When I got up for work, there it was again that unquenchable thirst I couldn’t shake. I went to the store and grabbed a few liquid IV’s and Gatorade. Maybe it was all the shots I had last night, I was throwing ‘em back.

Two days later, still thirsty as thee fuck.

I got out of bed and I felt like there were barbed wires covering my floor. My feet felt heavy and were in excruciating pain. I knew I shouldn’t have tried to wear heels, I just kept pushing and trying anyway.  One night,I was in so much pain I had to limp to the kitchen and grab ice to bring down the inflammation in my feet.

Finally I said okay, I'm thirsty, tired all the time, something is up. Not being a fan of the doctor, I made a call and got a same day appointment.  Your weight is down, have you been trying to lose weight? Yeah my whole life why? The nurse gave me a look like…. girl, just answer the question. I'm trying to make better choices but no I haven’t been trying to actively lose weight.

The blood pressure is great, the most normal it’s been in a while.

I struggled with my blood pressure for years as far back as high school age. At one point it was so bad I blacked out at the kitchen table. Here I was at 34 finally having a normal blood pressure and was ecstatic about that. I had lost some weight too?? Ok doctors visit!

Any chance of you being pregnant?….ma’am no way. Next question…..We’re just going to draw some blood to test your sugar. Next thing I hear is …

Nursseeeee!  Get some insulin in here right now ! Ms. Walker, you are diabetic and you have a glucose level of over 600. If you would have come in any later, you may have gone into a diabetic coma with these numbers. A dia- what? I got the sugars??? The normal A1C range is under 140 MG and I was at 600, steadily working, and eating , like nothing was happening inside my body.

It was a quiet car ride back from the doctor. My 1st thoughts were, both of my parents were diabetic and died of cancer. Is that what's in store for me? Is cancer just waiting around the corner? Luckily I'm type 1 and it is reversible. My doctors and dietician  have been working closely together to develop a very specific plan to reverse it. The first few weeks were very difficult. I was taking several new medications that had some serious side effects. I was still tired,  now I have low iron and magnesium levels so here's another prescription. There's another ssue that was causing some disruption to my regular living. I had no desire to be intimate. My mind wanted to have sex, be touched, but my body was not reacting. Nothing was helping to revive my sex drive. I’ve heard of men suffering from erectile dysfunction due to diabetes, but women ??? It is true, the sugars made me … dry. There were several other side effects but I think talking about my sexless driven body was enough.

In addition to my diabetes meds, I'm still on all my pills from the psychiatrist. My kitchen cabinet looks like a drug store.

I started the process by cleaning out my cabinets, and fridge. Goodbye cheesecake, cookies, my favorite cereals. It was hard because I realized that I was consuming so much sugar and not paying any attention.

I started eating vegetables everyday,  drinking water like crazy, and no cakes and pies.

Luckily, I have found healthier alternatives that have been satisfying my cravings. As of today I have lost nearly 40lbs. My goal is to lose 100lbs by next year.

As I navigate this new lifestyle, I started noticing other areas of my life that needed some revamping. I live by the belief that I have to take care of myself, and do whatever makes me feel good, and brings me joy. I needed joy to push me forward. I started saying no a lot more which has helped with burnout and simply not doing things I don’t want to.

I see a shift happening. I’m speaking up for myself, saying how I truly feel as opposed to saying ok. I got so fed up with my own shit…have you ever just looked at yourself and asked, “what am I doing?” I had that moment a few times. It became clear to me this journey was not only about my health, but my mental stability and  creating a life that I want, a life that is going to bring me the things I desire most. I desire to have a family, husband, a dog or baby(I'm still debating if I want children, another story for another day ) . I had to ask myself, what are you going to do differently this time? I’ve done the fake diets, done the same ring around the rosey antics in my personal life, and it's gotten me nowhere. So I made the decision to start making some changes. I decided to choose m. Listen to myself and take control! . Anything I'm doing right now is in the best interest of me, my health and the life I want to live. This new chapter, year 35 I’m becoming more gentle with myself. I can't wait to see how far I can go. I hope you’ll continue to watch my journey and get inspired to start your own.

WWB (Worlds Worst Blogger)

It's been a long time since my fingers typed anything other than work emails,and meeting notes

So last time I wrote I was still stuck at a job I hated, I was struggling to maintain my new solo living situation, and of course COVID. For a long time I felt like I had nothing to say, no inspiration to write.My faithful readers asked me when I was going to write some more. Truth is , I didn’t think I would ever blog again. 

Let’s take it back to 2016 when I first started my blog. The social media world was so different than it is now.During that time I was venturing into a new chapter of my life. I had just lost my dad to cancer and disappeared for what seemed like an eternity. Soon after, I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder, moderate depression, and so forth.

At that time, I couldn’t stop writing. I felt like I finally found my niche, I was focusing on my mental health, and how I managed my symptoms with holistic practices and good meds. For months I was typing Kermit the Frog. I was constantly using my life as an open book and I was gaining attention of the mental health community as well as followers and friends.I was literally posting new blogs 2-3 times per month. It was great.

Eventually life slowed me down as I’m sure it did for so many people. Around the end of 2020, I decided to revamp everything. I was laser focused on publishing a new site, new pictures, starting my YouTube, making amazing videos and reels.  For a while I did just that. Ya know… Social media is…an interesting place. One day you’re right on with the trends, remove yourself a day or 2 and it's a whole new wave. I couldn’t keep up, no matter how hard I tried.

It really hit me whileI was creating images for Valentine’s Day. I prepped, did some D.I.Y decor, recorded my makeup look. Yet, I was not happy with what I had produced. I wasn’t happy AT ALL. I felt like the world’s worst blogger. 

It was that day I said to myself , I'm just not that girl. I tried to be what social media wanted from a plus size influencer. I showed off my outfits, makeup favorites, silly TikToks. I felt like I was less than because (despite popular opinion) I don’t always enjoy cameras in my face or recording every time I visit a cool place. Don’t get me wrong, Ienjoy getting dressed up and being flirty with the camera from time to time, I just refuse to fake a lifestyle that's not me. 

I buy my clothes off the clearance rack, nobody sends me clothes to do hauls, none of that, and I’m okay with that. I watch so many women trying to keep up and it's exhausting. 

I just want to be my authentic self. Sometimes I’m  funny, serious, random and a little  socially  awkward. That's me Curvy, Confident, and Nervous. I also found that on this new journey of healing, and self love, I may not always be in a space to write and share my experiences.  Some things are best kept near and dear to my heart. Does this mean I won’t be writing again? Who knows… Will my content be different if I do? Will I stray away from my Mental Health TBD? 

What I do know is , I want to be ME! I want my writing to be a reflection of who I am now and where I’m headed in life. This writer is a fan of herself, her work, and who she is becoming. I look forward to being the best version of me and sharing my adventures with you all. So as I was in the middle of writing this new blog I got some news. 

For the last few months I started rapidly losing weight, and I began to lose my hair. After developing so many symptoms, I finally went to the doctor and that’s when I got the news that I was…..

THE WATCHTOWER

You better stop with the wichcraft, all the sage burning and meditation is demonic. Ma, please this is ancestral , nature, and God there’s nothing demonic about paying homage to your ancestors and burning natural herbs. Yeah okay, just wait Jehovah is watching you. 

This conversation was had between my mom and I for years. Somehow every spiritual practice I participated in was evil and put me in the Lucifer tribe. I kept on because as I was learning, I was growing into my spiritual self. I felt like I finally found a way to honor my loved ones, God, adn nature simultaneously. My mom had a similar journey later in life. At the Regional Jehovah’s Witness Convention in 2016 she was baptized. She had been back and forth with her decision for years and she finally made the commitment and our family was very proud of her. 

Although we did not share the same views/beliefs my sister and I would support. Whenever she gave a talk, or invited us to certain events we would oblige. We would bite our tongues and sink in our seats most of the time, but we showed up. It wasn’t until her passing that I fully saw the religion for what it truly is…….not for me that is for sure. I do not condone anyone who is a member of the organization but I will say, I will NEVER be affiliated , nor will I attend anymore of their services. I respected my mother and showed up for her. These events were extremely uncomfortable and I knew from an early age this was not the worship I wanted for myself.

Throughout the years I’ve personally witnessed my family fall part because of religious differences. Parents have totally cast out their children for violating terms of the religion. Having childern out of wedlock, being gay/lesbian, alternative lfestyles wat have you. I would ask where’s cousin was __________, not knowing because they got pregnant out of wedlock they had to move away and were excommunicated. I understand every religion has rules, and values, however I don't understand how a parent can dismiss their child for mistakes, or things beyond their control. For Years we wouldn’t see or hear from family members and presto one day they would pop up out of the blue. I suppose after they got their “lives right” then they would be welcomed back. 

Until this very day there are family members that have lost full contact with the family, it’s mind boggling. I had to wait until my mother transitioned to be honest and open about how I feel, I did it out of respect, and I always will.  So here we go! While planning my mom's services is when I knew for sure there was something that did not sit well in my spirit. Let’s start off with how the planning went, the elders were in charge of the service, they were the only ones allowed to speak, they would do their prayer, talk, and closing prayer. We had to sit in and listen only to find out none of my mother’s wishes would be fulfilled as previously discussed. Us (her daughters) were not allowed to speak, no singing, nothing personalized, straight to the point. My mother had been telling me how she wanted her farewell to be elaborate, stylish, and celebratory my entire life. Out of respect for her beliefs, we abided by the rules that govern. 

Fast forward to the day of her service, The elder spoke (went over his time, I believe on purpose) he announced that if anyone wishes to exit at this time feel free. I watched my family, and her “friends” single file out. Not one word, hug, or affection from anyone including the people nearest to us. I will never ever forget that moment in time of feeling completely abandoned, and fucking angry! Like the strong women my mom raised us to be, my sister and I spoke , shared stories, and added some pizazz. I had to truly put up a front just to get through the rest of the day. I didn’t get the chance to really soak in everything because that anger was inside of me. For months we were lied to about why people left, why no one checked on us. As the months piled up we have yet to hear from the same people who my mother idolized, and called “the friends”. Out of the entire congregation we have heard from only 1 member, not including elders or the people she cooked dinners for, shopped for, always buying little gifts for. 

This festering anger has finally erupted! I’m constantly being bombarded with scriptures, what I should be doing to honor my mother, how I should act. How should you all act? How should you have honored my mother? Do you feel my mother would be happy with how things turned out? I have kept this bottled in out of respect and privacy. You know what, that’s n longer an option. I am tired of the secrecy and whispers. I have a right to express myself, and getting this written is a part of my ongoing healing journey. It has been almost a year since her passing and people want me to act like I was never hurt, like we can talk like nothing ever happened. The truth is no matter how many gifts, money gets thrown my way, an apology is what I require to close this chapter. No money can take back the things that happened. I will always remember how I felt that day. As I continue my journey of healing, I hope I can inspire someone else to free themselves, and speak truth. I’ve reached the point where I trust absolutely no one, and that isn’t where I want to be at this point in my life. It's a fine time that I reclaim my power, and use my voice. 

My mom always comes to me in spirit. More recently she came to me and told me not to take shit from anybody! Speak up! It’s time to grow up. Part of being grown is being relentless on this path of self discovery, and this is just the 1st step. I pray for forgiveness of my sins and the sins of others. I don’t know who this message is for but free yourself from the ties that bind you. Don’t allow the views and opinions of others to cloud your vision. 

Xoxo Curvy Confident & Nervous