THE WATCHTOWER
You better stop with the wichcraft, all the sage burning and meditation is demonic. Ma, please this is ancestral , nature, and God there’s nothing demonic about paying homage to your ancestors and burning natural herbs. Yeah okay, just wait Jehovah is watching you.
This conversation was had between my mom and I for years. Somehow every spiritual practice I participated in was evil and put me in the Lucifer tribe. I kept on because as I was learning, I was growing into my spiritual self. I felt like I finally found a way to honor my loved ones, God, adn nature simultaneously. My mom had a similar journey later in life. At the Regional Jehovah’s Witness Convention in 2016 she was baptized. She had been back and forth with her decision for years and she finally made the commitment and our family was very proud of her.
Although we did not share the same views/beliefs my sister and I would support. Whenever she gave a talk, or invited us to certain events we would oblige. We would bite our tongues and sink in our seats most of the time, but we showed up. It wasn’t until her passing that I fully saw the religion for what it truly is…….not for me that is for sure. I do not condone anyone who is a member of the organization but I will say, I will NEVER be affiliated , nor will I attend anymore of their services. I respected my mother and showed up for her. These events were extremely uncomfortable and I knew from an early age this was not the worship I wanted for myself.
Throughout the years I’ve personally witnessed my family fall part because of religious differences. Parents have totally cast out their children for violating terms of the religion. Having childern out of wedlock, being gay/lesbian, alternative lfestyles wat have you. I would ask where’s cousin was __________, not knowing because they got pregnant out of wedlock they had to move away and were excommunicated. I understand every religion has rules, and values, however I don't understand how a parent can dismiss their child for mistakes, or things beyond their control. For Years we wouldn’t see or hear from family members and presto one day they would pop up out of the blue. I suppose after they got their “lives right” then they would be welcomed back.
Until this very day there are family members that have lost full contact with the family, it’s mind boggling. I had to wait until my mother transitioned to be honest and open about how I feel, I did it out of respect, and I always will. So here we go! While planning my mom's services is when I knew for sure there was something that did not sit well in my spirit. Let’s start off with how the planning went, the elders were in charge of the service, they were the only ones allowed to speak, they would do their prayer, talk, and closing prayer. We had to sit in and listen only to find out none of my mother’s wishes would be fulfilled as previously discussed. Us (her daughters) were not allowed to speak, no singing, nothing personalized, straight to the point. My mother had been telling me how she wanted her farewell to be elaborate, stylish, and celebratory my entire life. Out of respect for her beliefs, we abided by the rules that govern.
Fast forward to the day of her service, The elder spoke (went over his time, I believe on purpose) he announced that if anyone wishes to exit at this time feel free. I watched my family, and her “friends” single file out. Not one word, hug, or affection from anyone including the people nearest to us. I will never ever forget that moment in time of feeling completely abandoned, and fucking angry! Like the strong women my mom raised us to be, my sister and I spoke , shared stories, and added some pizazz. I had to truly put up a front just to get through the rest of the day. I didn’t get the chance to really soak in everything because that anger was inside of me. For months we were lied to about why people left, why no one checked on us. As the months piled up we have yet to hear from the same people who my mother idolized, and called “the friends”. Out of the entire congregation we have heard from only 1 member, not including elders or the people she cooked dinners for, shopped for, always buying little gifts for.
This festering anger has finally erupted! I’m constantly being bombarded with scriptures, what I should be doing to honor my mother, how I should act. How should you all act? How should you have honored my mother? Do you feel my mother would be happy with how things turned out? I have kept this bottled in out of respect and privacy. You know what, that’s n longer an option. I am tired of the secrecy and whispers. I have a right to express myself, and getting this written is a part of my ongoing healing journey. It has been almost a year since her passing and people want me to act like I was never hurt, like we can talk like nothing ever happened. The truth is no matter how many gifts, money gets thrown my way, an apology is what I require to close this chapter. No money can take back the things that happened. I will always remember how I felt that day. As I continue my journey of healing, I hope I can inspire someone else to free themselves, and speak truth. I’ve reached the point where I trust absolutely no one, and that isn’t where I want to be at this point in my life. It's a fine time that I reclaim my power, and use my voice.
My mom always comes to me in spirit. More recently she came to me and told me not to take shit from anybody! Speak up! It’s time to grow up. Part of being grown is being relentless on this path of self discovery, and this is just the 1st step. I pray for forgiveness of my sins and the sins of others. I don’t know who this message is for but free yourself from the ties that bind you. Don’t allow the views and opinions of others to cloud your vision.
Xoxo Curvy Confident & Nervous
